I got stopped for speeding yesterday.
I thought I could talk my way out of it
until the cop looked at my dog in the back seat.
When insults had class
These glorious insults are from an era when cleverness with words was still valued, before everyday English was littered with four letter words, and rude gestures used to convey an insult.
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it” Mark Twain.
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends”. Oscar Wilde.
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend….if you have one”. George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second….if there is one”.
Winston Churchill in response.
“I feel so miserable without you: it’s almost like having you here”. Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator”. John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial”. Irvin S. Cobb
“I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception”. Groucho Marx
Why??????
Why......do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Why......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Why......do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Why......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and barm cakes in packages of eight.
Why......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
EVER WONDER ....Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilise the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
This week at work we felt we were just not getting things done at all. One of those weeks! So one of my colleagues sent me this....
and I thought it would amuse you.
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Medical TV show, I have finally found inner peace.
A Doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of Kehuha, a pockage of Prunglies, tha mainder of bot Prozic and Valum scriptins, the res of the Chesescke an a bax a cholates. Yu haf no idr who gud I fel
A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified h erself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blonde hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally mad e it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Nissan in the club parking lot.
Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an act ivity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*it too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b*tch to find me.
Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.
_________ _ _____________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't hav e any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching ele ve n straight hours of the Weather Channel.
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
Always check your childs homework
My child did this drawing at school
(Here's the reply the teacher received the following day)
Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer.
I work at B & Q and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit. I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it. Her picture doesn't show me dancing around a pole. It's supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at B & Q.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs. Smith